GuildCom

…and I had to jump off a friend’s bigass Cadillac with the temperature in the lower 20s in the teens, with a wind chill that brings things down to TWO DEGREES Fahrenheit. Well, I guess I didn’t have to, but what self-respecting human being would leave his fellow man out in the cold under such circumstances?

Anyway, it went off without a hitch and I’m hoping his Caddy keeps working through the evening, because it’s probably not going to get any warmer. It’s spitting snow outside as we speak, so cross your fingers.

Suzie, on the other hand, is performing well — or at least she is once she’s warm. It’s an established fact that shifting the Mustang’s Tremec 5-speed can be significantly more art than science in cold weather like this, at least until the transmission warms up. The 1-2 transition is especially rough, rendering second gear almost useless (as in skip it and go on to third) if you fumble it even a little (because, say, your entire body is wracked with violent shivering). On the up side, the light aluminum block engine warms up eagerly in the mornings and the heated seats are a gift from God himself, and she has plenty of torque to make up for any errors the driver may or may not commit while trying to accelerate.

It’s been more than a year since I brought her home now and she still puts a smile on my face when I lay the hammer down. Especially after this Thanksgiving, when I had the “opportunity” to take my little sister’s 4-banger Subaru to the gas station for a Dr Pepper run. (Should you ever be offered a similar opportunity… skip it.) I find that I have been spoiled by having that kind of (asphalt-ripping) power available at a tap of my toes. Driving a normal car was an eye-opening experience.

Actually, what struck me was the extent to which I have come to rely on Suzie’s 300 horsepower engine in daily driving. I routinely attempt left turns that would make Bullitt flinch, and I usually have to slow down to merge on the highway; frankly, even a V6 might find it difficult to keep up with my demands for power (and I’m sure my tires will, too, eventually).

Maybe I should take things easier?

That would require me getting out of bed earlier. Not gonna happen.

One of my biggest beefs with the coming “hydrogen economy” (other than the fact that some ASSHOLE decided that fuel cells were a good idea to begin with) has always been the fact that such an “economy” threatens the demise of an internal combustion engine.

It seems that BMW has been working on a solution to that. Their Hydrogen 7 is actually a hydrogen-powered car whose only source of motive power is a V12 internal combustion motor that can also burn plain old gasoline. The concept isn’t without its downsides (like the fact that the car wouldn’t emit the stench of half-burnt fossil fuel like a real car), but hopefully this means we won’t have to give up the good ol’ asphalt-shredding, nylon-rending V8 any time soon — the engine that is really the only thing I find entertaining about modern performance cars.

This does raise a question in my mind, however: should I take this to imply that an engine that burns hydrogen must be made with smaller cylinders than an engine burning gasoline? Or is BMW just giving into that most European of inclinations and using more smaller things when fewer larger things work just as well?

http://www.autoblog.com/2008/01/10/what-2-500-buys-in-india-tata-nano-unveiled/

…but I think I’d hit it anyway. I mean, to the extent you can “hit” a car. Come on, how often do you get to drive an automobile with an MSRP of $2500 dollars? I’ve seen bicycles that hit harder than that at the checkout. How would you like to trick one of these babies out for the quarter mile, or maybe rig it up with a four wheel drive system and see if you can go mudding in it?

If you say you aren’t interested, you’re a lying bastard.

You know what else this means? It means we’re gonna have commercials like…

“Do you have a job? Do you have $2499? Do you want a new car? Then you, too, can cause global warming!”

Yes, some U.N. scientist has been quoted as having “nightmares” about this cheap-ass car. You’d think a green prick like that would be happy about an automobile that gets 54 miles to the gallon and seems to do everything possible to discourage the physical act of driving.

I have often complained that, as simple plans of mice and men go, mine just don’t really come to fruition all that often.

“But Bishop,” you say, “you are one of the most respected political minds of our century and without your guiding words of wisdom to shepherd us we would be as livestock in the wilderness, waiting for some beast to devour us!”

…or maybe you don’t say that. Nonetheless, I tend to dream up the most cockamamie ideas imaginable and they just don’t tend to happen the way they’re supposed to. Well, this time, dammit, dreams come true — and I feel damn lucky. How many guys do you know have ever parked their dream car in their driveway?

Mine was a 2008 Mustang GT. Actually, make that, “Mine is a 2008 Mustang GT.” Except I guess it isn’t really a dream car anymore. Now it’s a candy apple red, 300 horsepower reality, devouring 88 octane unleaded. Luckily I get a discount on the stuff. Even more luckily, it gets nearly 30 miles per gallon when I’m not jacking around with the throttle (28.5 on a 50 mile trip on Saturday night).

I’ve wanted one of these things since 2005. Not really because it looks great, although that’s a factor. Not because it makes chicks drool — definitely a plus, though. But because a big part of me has always wanted a classic Boss, or a Cobra, or a Mach 1, and this thing just kinda makes me think of all that’s classic and American and right about modern life. That, and punching the gas will make you feel like you’re doing a set of crunches.

So now I find myself wondering what other dreams might materialize in the future. That road trip I’ve always wanted to take? …maybe that bestseller? …maybe a winning lottery ticket? Ok, scratch that last one, but I still like the other two.

Oh! And I added “politics” and “environment” and “global warming” to this post as categories because I also think of this car as just one more way I can be politically incorrect in our hypersensitive, carbon-unfriendly world. Good gas mileage aside, this thing is not E85 friendly, electric, or apt to project a “green friendly” image. All good things, in my opinion.

Her name is Suzie, by the way. Suzie Q.

This, comrades, is a tragic day for the Guild.

One who has served long and faithfully has passed on.

Join me, comrades, in mourning the loss of one of our finest.

Old Red and I have been at odds for some time now about certain things. Like whether or not the front and rear passengers’ side doors should open at all times for all people, or whether or not I should have access to the cargo area via the rear hatch. Or whether or not the gauges on the dashboard are really necessary for her successful and continued operation.

To be frank, she seems to think these things are quite frilly and not necessary at all, while I consider them to be important facets of her overall purpose as a vehicle. She thinks I should man up, suck it up, and go on

I think I should man up, suck it up, and buy a new car.

Specifically, I have in mind a dark red or dark gray Mustang GT. Don’t give me any nonsense about how Chevy’s coming out with another Camaro soon or how Dodge is gonna make a new… whatever the hell they make… I just don’t care. What’ve they done for me today? Not a damn thing. Whereas Ford has been faithful enough and kind enough to manufacture a functional pony car at a semi-reasonable price constantly over the past 43 years.

Chevy’s offering, no matter how large the engine, is going to be hideous. It’ll also have independent rear suspension (gag) and won’t be out until 2009. (Fuck you, Chevy.) And Dodge? Well… I don’t need a reason to hate Dodge.

What I do need is a vehicle that uses less than a metric assload of gasoline to get to work every week, especially if I wanna move farther away. I know a Mustang GT with a good ol’ American V-8 isn’t exactly a fuel-sipper, but compared to a Jeep that averages 16 mpg, it sure won’t hurt. Besides, fuel consumption in a car with a standard transmission is largely left up to the driver. Don’t forget that Ford’s Mustang makes 300 horses with a tiny 290 ci engine; this thing is not inefficient.

Of course, that’s the downside to the Mustang. It’s already pounding out just about as much octane-based adrenaline as its powerplant can produce. A little work on the LS-1 from Chevy’s ‘02 Camaro and it’ll make you 400+ horsepower and be happy about it. The same work on the Ford… Well, the results might not be quite as spectacular. We are, after all, comparing a 290 to a 350.

Like I was ever gonna do any work on the engine to begin with. I don’t have the cash! Or the inclination, generally speaking. I mean, not really. It’d be nice, but I don’t invest too deeply in any one hobby. Hell, take a look at my posts here and you can tell that much.

Nope, the idea here is to have a car for once, and a sportier one at that–but not to have some kind of monster on the drag strip. Ok, the idea is also to have a cross-country road trip, but that’s really neither here nor there.

That’s later. When I actually have some vacation time.